Note to Self: The Things I am Afraid to Say

1. Sometimes I feel too deeply. I feel through the bottom of my soul and into some dark unknown land of overgrown thoughts and tearful nights. They are sometimes wonderful and joyous, but sometimes paralyzing. I have too many feels.

2. I often eat popcorn for dinner. Or cheese and apples. Or sprinkles and wine.

3. Pinterest makes me feel inadequate.

4. I jump to conclusions. Hardcore, deep-down, scary conclusions. I texted you and you haven’t responded for 3 hours? You obviously hate me. Obviously. You didn’t notice or respond adequately to my new hair? It’s obviously hideous. Obviously.

5. I love my cat more than I do most people.

6. I tell horribly absurd jokes that, typically, only I think are funny. But they are so, so hilarious. Pee-your-pants, hilarious.

7. I am insecure. And sensitive. And self-conscious. And jealous.

8. I don’t remember your name and might never. It’s not that I don’t like you or want to like you, it’s just that I’m horrible with names. Horrible.

9. Somethings are worth getting your heart broken over.

10. I am not perfect.

11. I love trashy romance “novels.”

12. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be “enough” – creative enough, skinny enough, fast enough, funny enough, original enough, traveled enough, educated enough, loved enough.

13. I wish I was in Ireland. Right now. I’ve imagined that I own a little cafe in a small town on top a little green hill.

14. I am terrified of failure.

15. I worry about money all the time. Even now, when I’m fairly confident about my bank account, I still have intense fear each time I go to the ATM or check my online banking. Once poor, always poor.

16. I am afraid of rejection and thus don’t put myself out there in the world.

17. Sometimes I am ugly, inside and out. Yes, I will judge you and not know you, but know that I am judging myself all the same. And probably worse. I am extraordinarily hard on myself.

18. I am messy and lazy. I made that mess. That one, right there. Will I clean it? Maybe tomorrow, or maybe not. Right now, I’m too busy doing nothing at all to bother.

19. I often crippled by the fear that I will never find someone to love me and spend my life with.

20. I feel like the world is one big popularity contest.

21. I’m not as smart as I like to pretend.

22. I am not perfect.


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